Christine
I have always been an independent person.
Indeed, I acknowledged the existence of God, I just never understood why
people had a need for Him. I saw God as an angry being, one that
you could never please, no matter how you try - so why bother, right? Life
is hard enough as it is without beating yourself up over not living up to
Herculean expectations. Additionally, I had a misconstrued vision of
faith. You see - I saw faith as something for people who couldn't cope
with life, an excuse.
When I graduated from college and started working
in corporate
America
, those feelings only solidified. There I learned that there is no such
thing as a handout - it is every man for himself. If you don't learn to
play the game and play it well, you will get left behind in the tire tracks of
those who do. I learned, and learned quickly how to play this game.
I was taught how to think, plan, react, and scale the corporate ladder.
Money was my god.
What amazed me the most was the professing
'Christians' in the work place. These supposed people of faith would sport
their crosses on their necklaces, talk about who they saw at church on Sunday
and in the same breath, commit the most unethical acts known to man and ask me
to do the same with nary a flitter of conscience.
Where was the personal accountability?
Where was the responsibility? Was going to church with your friends every
weekend the offsetting element?
On the personal front, I was in an abusive
marriage at the time. I knew before I made this commitment that my
husband-to-be felt that verbal and emotional abuse were viable and effective
tools for motivating people into submission. I do not claim that I had no
fault in this relationship but I thought after we were married, things would
ease up. As the old saying goes, I thought he would change.
He claimed to be a Christian but if my money was my god, it was his universe.
The marriage culminated in 'voluntary' sterilization surgery, the result
of which is that I will never be able to have children. After the
surgery, I had sunk to a place in my life that I didn't know existed. I
had hit bottom and begun to dig. I was 27.
My mother, not knowing at the time how bad things
had gotten, had sent me a book that she thought would help. It was, What
Wives Wished Their Husbands Knew About Women by Dr. James Dobson of Focus on
the Family. I was willing to do and try anything at this point.
After reading the book, I contacted Focus on the
Family and asked for a recommendation to a counselor in our area. I
figured, this is written by a Christian, my husband claims to be a Christian, he
would listen to what they are saying about how to conduct yourself and treat
each other in a relationship. I thought with professional assistance, we
could learn how to build a solid relationship.
I convinced him to see the Psychologist they
recommended and how I wish I hadn't. She decided that we should begin that
first session with what I perceived to be the problems in the marriage. I
related the stories of the verbal attacks and told her that I was hurting and
did not want to continue living in that situation any longer. She sat back
and took notes and at the end of the hour, she gave her assessment.
She informed us that our marriage was in shambles
because I wasn't obeying my husband. She then proceeded to open a bible
and started quoting all of these passages about woman being second class
citizens and that they are to be at the unquestioned whim of their husband's
moods and demands.
I was devastated to say the least. This was
NOTHING like what the book had said. Where was the caring? The
element of respect?
This only confirmed what I was already thinking -
that this was one messed up religion that I didn't want a thing to do with.
At this point in my life, I felt that, if they were right and I was wrong, that
was just fine with me. I would rather spend eternity in the pit fires of
hell than to spend it with these people and their 'God'.
Between the games at work and my non-marriage, I
was worn out. I began to feel wracked with self doubt and self loathing
and had become suicidal. Not content to live like this, and at the urging
of my friends, I again sought after counseling. This time I turned to the
Jewish Community Center. I was started on medication for depression
and scheduled for weekly counseling sessions, this time alone.
They patiently explained to me the elements of a
healthy relationship. They told me that I was not responsible for my
husband's treatment of me. "Yes," they said, "the man IS to
be the head of the household...BUT the most important element is the element of
respect".
Now this made sense - mutual respect was
what was missing. I tried to discuss this with my husband but to no avail.
After 6 months of counseling and medication, I divorced him and set about to get
on with my life.
Questions
With this new lease on life, I changed jobs and
entered a company that was known for its cut throat political climate and
ruthless treatment of people but also as a gold mine for those who were savvy
enough and strong enough to play the game. I was now back on my feet, stronger
than ever and ready for the challenge.
Two years later, with all of the past illusions
about religion no longer in my rearview mirror, I decided to take another look
at faith. I wanted to know why people believed what they did. I had always
been an avid student of religion, but from the technical side. Doctrines were
not a mystery to me but the psychological side of belief was.
As my job required almost constant travel, I had
plenty of time in airplanes to read, and read I did. I read everything I could
get my hands on about religion and the psychology of faith. One day, I found my
'answer' - it was all about people!
No two people think and react in the same way.
Some are comfortable with the status quo and others like me are always striving
for the next brass ring. God made people so He knew that they would all be
unique - in what they believe and in how they are motivated.
The more I studied this, the more I became
convinced that there was not a single path to God. I believed that just as He
had confused the languages of the people at the
tower
of
Babel
, He had sent different messengers to these people with His message at different
times in history. He did this to accommodate the differences in the people that
He Himself had created!
Mohammed, Buddha, Jesus - they were all the
'Messiah' in their own right. I believed that each of these men were
commissioned to take God's message to the people in their charge at the time.
Additionally, I held that God would one day bring all of these faiths together
under one umbrella and one final Messiah who would unite them all with the same
truth. As long as people were basically good, they would be rewarded -
regardless of their beliefs.
This made so much sense to me! I saw the
discrepancies in the Messiahs that had come, and I believed that although they
were ok for other people, they didn't represent my beliefs. If
people weren't happy and they felt like they weren't living up to the
expectations of their religion, then they simply weren't on the right path -
they just needed to find the path that God had for them.
As for me, it was a relief believing that I didn't have to
'convert' to anything, I just needed to accept the path that was destined
for me to follow.
Well, bursting with excitement over this
revelation, I called my Mother to share the good news. I thought she would be
excited. Well - excited she was, just not in the way that I had hoped. She was
concerned about my embrace of this belief and about a week later, called me to
tell me about a Christian speaker that was to be in my town and urged me to go.
As I had a new 'understanding' about faith, I thought - why not? I have an open
mind - so I went.
The speaker was Marilyn Hickey and rather than a
talk, it was more of a performance. Marilyn is in the oil business. Anointing
oil, that is. I had been in charismatic churches before - I knew to expect
things like long drawn out pleas for money. What I didn't expect was the length
that this group went to. They said that if you weren't buying their special
oils, you weren't going to receive blessings from God. The oils were touted to
bring wealth and healing, as long as you had faith in the process.
I had heard of healing revivals. Hearing about
them and actually experiencing one as a non-Christian are two different things.
People were writhing on the floor, moaning and yelling. Hickey was screaming at
'demons'. It was extremely discomforting. I am not saying that people don't find
God at events like this, I am saying that this just further convinced me that
this wasn't the religion for me. I couldn't wait to get out of there.
Disillusioned again. How could my Messiah
reconcile this? This religion appeared to be all about no accountability,
women as second class citizens and greed. This didn't fit the mold of the
Messiah as I envisioned Him to be.
Over the next few years, I had developed a close
working relationship with one of our company's clients. Due to a merger,
the need arose for a consultant to relocate to
New York City
to assist them. Because of my existing relationships, I was chosen for
this and relocated. There, I was living amongst and working with Modern Orthodox
Jews. I thought I knew corporate
America
. I thought I knew how to play the game. I went into this corporate environment
expecting the same political jockeying that I was so accustomed to. I was turned
on my ear in no time flat.
I saw people that genuinely cared about each
other and knew how to treat people, not acting for the betterment of themselves
and then justifying that behavior by mentally offsetting it with weekly
religious service attendance.
Regardless of station in life, all people were
treated as equals with the utmost respect. You see - one of the greatest mitzvot
(deeds) that a person can do is to be charitable and treat others like they
would like to be treated themselves.
My lukewarm feelings about faith really came
alive at this point in my life. Rather than the head knowledge I was
striving for, I started to long for heart knowledge.
I decided that I needed to take the additional
step that I hadn't. I believed the concepts but I wasn't observing the mitzvot
that were required of me. I wanted to grow in my faith, not just believe in it,
so I became Torah observant.
I kept the belief that the world's messiahs had
come but decided that if mine was to come tomorrow, I would need to be ready.
The
Turning Point
I had heard of Jews for Jesus (J4J), but I didn't
know much about them. They were on the street corners and in the subway
stations handing out their literature. I assumed that they were apostates
and for the life of me could not understand why they would want to convert to
this odd religion.
Out of curiosity, I took their literature one day
and ordered their book, Future Hope. I assumed that it would be the
same kind of stuff I had read in the Book of Mormon. I was wrong.
Future Hope isn't about a new prophet at all - it is all about the
messianic prophesies in the TaNaKH (Christian Old Testament). It also
spoke about all of the prophesies that had yet to be fulfilled.
Needless to say, my interested was piqued at this
point.
I saw a side to the Christian faith that I had
never seen before. The Jewish side. This was very difficult
for me to grasp. Christianity as I knew it was the polar opposite of
Judaism. Christianity was all about commercialism. Judaism was all
about a rich cultural heritage and traditions.
I started studying. Like a champ I studied.
I began with the mindset of proving it to be false. They had so many
claims about the bible that seemed to make so much sense to me though.
Surely, they HAD to be wrong but I couldn't find any errors in what they were
saying.
Per recommendations, I turned to leading
anti-missionary Rabbi Tovia Singer of Jews for Judaism (now Outreach Judaism)
for help. What happened next took place over the period of several weeks.
J4J says something means "X", Reb Tovia says, "No, it means
Y". Back and forth, the mental gymnastics went on and on.
One day, I finally gave up. I was earnest
in my heart about wanting to know the truth so I just prayed and asked God to
show me what it was - I remember saying "The truth is in here somewhere and
I want to know about it. What is Your truth?" I was prepared in
my head for anything but the answer I got.
I was lead to a book in the TaNaKH (Old
Testament). Specifically, the book of Daniel, chapter 9. Jewish
tradition holds that anyone trying to interpret this passage would bring a curse
upon themselves and their generations to come as this passage foretells of the
coming of the Messiah and trying to expose Him before He is revealed is
prohibited.
I had some reservations but I had read the
passage before. I had seen explanations on both sides as to its meaning,
in fact. After all, I reasoned, why is this book even in here if you
aren't supposed to read it?
For some reason, this time when I read it, it hit
me like a lightening bolt.
Daniel
9:26
And after threescore and two weeks shall Messiah be cut
off, but not for himself: and the people of the prince that shall come shall
destroy the city and the sanctuary;
There it was. Messiah cut off but not for
himself, before the destruction of the temple.
How did I miss this?
I sat speechless for the longest time just
staring at that passage. Things started to make sense all of a sudden and
clearly align in a way that they had not done so before.
It then hit me like a ton of bricks.
It wasn't about pleasing God - it was about accepting
Him.
It saddened me when I realized that I spent 34
years of my life rejecting God. My Dad had been a Christian since
childhood and my Mom since I was a child. They never stopped praying that
I would see the truth but in the same token, they knew my nature. They knew that
there was nothing that they could say or do to make me believe anything other
than what I had in my mind and heart to believe. They knew that it was
only the Lord Himself who could get through to me, and only when I was good and
ready to ask.
When I finally regained myself, I made the
decision to accept Jesus as the Messiah. As my Messiah. I
didn't want to be alone, so I called my parents and with them on the phone some
1200 miles away, I prayed and asked God to forgive me for denying Him all of
these years and I asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life.
That was
December 21, 1999
.
Aftermath
After asking the Lord into my life, I felt awash
with an overwhelming sense of peace that I had never felt before in my life.
Did my life turn into a bed of roses at that point? Not even close.
The difference was how I dealt with adversity.
When I was a child, my paternal grandfather
passed away suddenly from a heart attack. I remember being at the funeral
and looking at my grandmother standing there - a pillar of strength. I
looked up at her and asked her how she could be so strong at a time like this.
Her response to me is so clearly implanted in my memory that it could have
happened yesterday instead of 1976. She smiled down at me and said,
"It is my dependence on the Lord that allows me to be strong and
independent". I didn't understand that, but I never forgot it.
Mere days after accepting the Messiah, I was
terminated from my high paying job at 'Caustic & Co.'. I was
devastated, confused, hurt, angry, I can't begin to describe the emotions that I
went through. My feelings of suicide returned as well - I figured I would
end up in heaven anyway, why not just go now. I couldn't understand why I
had spent my life being educated and trained to play the game it yet it all went
away in a snap. On top of all this, I started getting sick from the
depression medication and had to be taken off of it. Why would
the Lord let all of this happen to me and why now?
Although a tough time, I have come to realize
that the Lord allowed this to happen for several reasons. Obviously, He
did not want me in that environment. Bigger yet was what He DID want from
me. He wanted me to learn to trust in Him and have faith in Him - to
channel my independent nature into His will and away from my own.
They say that the Lord loves you as you are but
that he won't keep you that way. To say that I had changed my outlook on
life after I accepted Jesus as the Messiah would be a grave understatement.
Things didn't appeal to me like they once did. Success became redefined
into who I was as a person, not what I could amass or how much power I had.
I now understand what my grandmother was talking
about 25 years ago. The sense of calm I feel in the face of
"impending doom" is indescribable, because I know that I am no longer
going it alone.
You see - I changed, but then again, I really
didn't. I am the same person as I was before, with the same personality
and sense of humor, it is just my priorities and my outlook on life that
have changed.
How can
I be sure that I'm right?
I used to ask people, "How do you know that
you're right?" when it came to faith. They would respond, "I
just do". Without a frame of reference, that made no sense to me - it
was circular logic. I am now faced with the same dilemma - how do I
explain this? The honest answer is that I cannot. I have a frame of
reference on peace now that I never knew existed before.
Make no mistake. Accepting this as the
truth was as difficult a thing as I have ever done. I didn't want
it to be true. I fought to prove that it wasn't true.
Where I made my biggest mistake was judging God
based on the actions of man. What a hypocrite I was - here I had believed
that people needed the room to be different in their beliefs because God had
made them that way, but in the same token, I was judging based on my
stereotypes.
What I now understand now is that Christianity is
not a religion. If anything it is the anti-religion. I had
thought all of this time that the whole point of Jesus was to bring a new
religion to the world. Again, dead wrong. Jesus hated
religion. You see, the point that Jesus was trying to make to people is
that the law should live in your heart, not solely in your actions. He
came to fulfill the law, not do away with it. The law said, "Don't
do". Jesus said, "Don't even think about it".
All of the denominations out there with their
formulas, rules and requirements are totally missing the boat. All the
Lord has ever asked of people was to trust in Him and have a relationship with
him - one on one. Man however, is conditioned not to accept this. It
all goes back to the mindset that I once had - there is no free lunch.
This culminates in people trying to please God through their actions and not
through their hearts and ends up with the opposite effect. Focusing on
your actions and not on your heart serves to distance you from God, not bring
you closer to Him.
Now, while I respect the members of the clergy
immensely, I must say this. The bible was not written for 'elite
interpretation' - it was written for all. Do learn from these scholars but
also recognize that no one will be there to hold your hand or answer for you at
Judgment Day. It wasn't until I quit turning to men for answers and
finally turned to God that He revealed Himself to me.
For those of you that may be thinking,
"well, that's nice for you but it isn't for me", let me give you one
last thought to chew on.
Good works will be rewarded in heaven. This
is undoubtedly true. Know what is missing from this though? The cover
charge.
There is nothing that we can do to earn, merit,
buy, evolve, or enlighten our way into heaven's eternal party, no matter how
hard we try.
There in lies the beauty of having a relationship
with the Lord. Many false religions have popped up all over the place -
many even coming in the name of Jesus and promoting that their path is the only
way to heaven. The one thing they all have in common? They all
require works, membership, secret handshakes etc etc as part of their
salvation plan.
Satan can fake a religion in the name of
Christianity, but you know what he can't fake? The simplicity of the
truth.
John 14:6 Jesus
said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the
Father except through Me".
Romans 10:9-13 If
you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God
has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one
believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto
salvation. For the Scripture says, "Whoever believes on Him will not be
put to shame." For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the
same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. Whoever calls on the
name of the Lord shall be saved.
There's your "cover charge".
...sometimes the simplest concepts are the
hardest to grasp.
Eternity is an awfully long time to be wrong
about something this important. Don't
believe me my words - ask the Lord yourself.
If you truly want to know, He will tell you.
Shalom alechem (Peace be upon you).
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